How to Destroy Everything in your life - One moment at a time

Ok, so here I am trying to pick the pieces of my broken life up. I lost my necklace :-( My brakes are broke. My family thinks I am a failure. I am finally working (no job since the day after last Christmas). I swear they may as well pay me in peanuts... But hey! I am alive and free and So is my boyfriend. Oh yeah, no friends... no where to live right now *blah* All because this stupid butch from Indiana, near Chicago named Nichole Anne Jacobs decided that she wanted to run away to here, met my boyfriend while he was in mental crisis and got him hooked of fucking herion>>>

FML!!

My boyfriend don't want to be my boyfriend. He wants a "coven" of girls. (don't they all). I am so hurt and heart broken and I don't even know what to say. In this whole fucked up situation, I am supposed to be at the top of the 'hierarchical ladder', but I am on the bottom rung just getting shit on. ovet and over and over again.
I must be the stupidest woman who ever lived. there is this girl he's got with us (don't let you imagination go wild, nothing kinky going on... hell, he hasn't touched me ib like a half a year) and they fight lie crazy. they a supposed to be friends, but they were arguing rather heatedly and he shouted that he's in love with her. my world came crashing down. we have more or less been ith each othrt for 13 (pushing 14) years. He has known her for like 3 months. he says he loves ne and I know he loves me but i guess he isn't in love with me. I am so being used. I am so stupis. He wants her and I don't know why he don't let me go. I am too stupid to leave him because I love him. I'm freaking dying here. I love him and I am totally in love with him. He hurts me so bad and never apologizes. never hugs me. Won't touch me. But he says such sweet things to her. Then they fight. They carry on and on and they honestly don't even like each other, but claim to be oh so in love.
So where and what does that leave me? I have given up everything and everyone in my life for him and I don't mean a damn to him. God! I am so emotionally wounded and he says i'm 'playing' and trying to get attention. Truthfully, neither of them seems to think aboout anyone outside of themselves. They bot have ate, drank and partied up so fucking much of money that I worked so hard for. do either of them thank me or repay me, or even just offer to repay me in some capacity? well, yeah, they thank me by fucking behind my back. by taking from me and wounding my heart and my pride.
he thinks (or says this is what he thinks) that I am mean to him. he does all these dirty things and shows me n affection. They say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I think this is what that means. I can't help that I am angry and hurt. He said we was gonna get married and then he stabs a knife deep in my heart and twists it in and sticks his head so far up her ass he has no way to see me.
I freaking love him. So much and I a hurt so bad and I honestly don't know what to do.
My heart says stay. My mind says "No! You dumb bitch. You should go. He don't care about you the way you need fot him to."
He does not understand what he is doing to me. He don't get it. He is losing me. I don't want to go. I want to be with him forever, but if he don't want me.... whats the oint? Why does he have to play thes games with my heart? It is so broken... so, so broken.
What did I do to deserve this?

Wow! I have so much on my mind right now. Wish there was someone in my life that I could turn to. Someone who would not judge. Someone who would listen and offer sound advice. I keep screwing up, people. I have a kind and forgiving heart. Always have. This is my undoing. Right here and right now. I am torn. I keep thinking the joys in my life are real. As soon as my head is in the clouds and I am truely happy... my heart is ripped from my chest and stomped into a million tiny little pieces. The people I think know me the best, I realize they don't know me at all. I mean, they truely have no clue who I am. Put shit on me and hold all this shiton me. Past mistakes are just that. The past. I try to move forward, seek forgiveness for my wrong doings... but is it ever enough?
I used to have such dreams. I wanted to go so far. Now, I feel stuck. Sad and alone. I know a lot of people, but... we don't know each other, really. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot. I may do foolish things, but a fool, I am not. When the truth stares you in the face, you have to accept it. Perhaps the thins I long for are not for me. There are things in this life I require. Needs that have gone too long, unmet. I have not done enough wrong in this life to deserve the crap I have had dished out to me. Matter of fact, I should have a lot of good karma heading straight to me. Why, then, do I feel like I get the crap end of everything? Go ahead with your priorities. Put everyone ahead of me. Forget I, too, am human. I dream, hope, breathe and bleed too, damnit! Don't worry about my needs, but don't expect me to worry about yours.
I have done and done for over a decade. Given and given. Am I noticed, thanked, APPRECIATED, hugged, held or adored in any way, ever? Hell no. I am taken for grantid. All I do and say is... rather poointless. In the end, I'll have nothing. No husband, no children, no true friends. Sadness and sollitude... my only companions. While the one other person I love with all my heart, wastes all his time and all of our time on those people who are truely beneath both of us. I can't take the lies and deception in my life anymore. And if I am imagining them... I am sure there are past events that contributed to my imagination.
Problem is... I don't know what to do. I want to get married and have a baby or 2 or 3... but I just don't know anymore if he wants me...

for the love of all that is holy in this world
i pray some generous deity
take pity
take this hopeless life away

each breath is painful
every moment hurts
i would bleed my life away
if i was brave enough to try

i stand here
with all of you
alone amongst the crowed
by myself beside you

and i cry
and i screeam
no one hears
no one sees

you all dwell
on nothing
and i sit here dying
all alone



ok, so it is a sucky poem. i don't really care. i am so sad and all alone. i have no one and nowhere to go. no one knows me. who or what i am. i feel so trapped. i want a happy life and i want to die. it is so hard being pulled both ways. i just want to scream. the world is so against me.

Standing here
before you
beside you
there is nothing
I could hide from you

My heart beats
for you
and for me
only

In this moment
I know nothing
and everything

Little matters
in this small space
between us
There is a great wide world
all around us
But the world
is only for us

Strength and fear
abound all around
Though nothing can break us
nothing can stand against us

One
is strong and vigilant
but two
(me and you)
is a force much greater

Take my hand
Let's make a stand
All those who stand against
Shall fall before us

And none shall break
or even overtake
the proximity
of you and me



(Love you always and forever)

Let me tell you a story about this necklace. It has been around. My boyfriend bought it for me at a place called "The Gothic Edge" in Covington, KY. It is a silver charm made up of 2 bones made into a cross with a rose down from the center. I fell in love with it when I saw it. That was probably the summer of 2004.
Skip ahead to March 31, 2008. My boyfriend had been out celebrating after the biirth of his Nephew, a few hours before. We had not been home an hour, yet. I had went outside to smoke a cigerette and had been inside less than 5 minutes. My cable went out and I called the cable company when I heard a FAINT beeping in the hall. I opened the door to see what was up. The freeking hall was filled with white smoke. I hung up with cable, called 911 (who transfered me to the fire dept.... what precious seconds they had while hell was literelly breaking loose) and the freaking fire department had the nerve to ask my screaming, panicking self if I was sure there was a fire. Dumb asses! anyway all at the same time, I'm screaming for my boyfriend to get out the building is on fire (btw... we were on the third floor). We opened the door and there was nothing but a raging infeno of pitch black and angry, evil, unrelenting red and orange flames and unbelievable heat licking your only exit. Anyway we ran to the back bedroom as far as we cound get and miracle of all... jumpped 3 floors to nothing but the ground below. Well, I managed to jump in a tree and he was hurt pretty bad andin hospital for a week and some other guy died. All this because some nut bag couldn't have the girl he wanted so he set the building on fire and then hung himself a week later. Can you believe we lost everything and nearly our lives and did not get one red cent for that because it was arson. And he only had access like that because the apartment did not have their unoccupied apartments locked.
Anyway, my boyfriends Sister went in after the aftermath and peeled my necklace off the bedpost.
Then I lost it and tried to get the people I bought it from to sell me another one. They told me it handmade, one if a kind. (after all those years the guy remembered it after I described it.)
We went to a friends a while later. Boyfriend opens a drawer. Guess what he found...... Assholes stole something 1 of a kind from me. They said it must have been similar and I could have it if I wanted it... Like I wasn't going to keep what's mine...

see... history.... I love this necklace!

what a mess i've made

i think i've been stuck here in kentuky for far too long. i had dreams, no all that long ago, either. i have no real ties to anywhere and i am not dead, so there is nothing holding me back.
i think it is about time to head on the road again. chase down some dreams, again. live a little, again.
it has been such a long, long time since i have felt like i had any real control of my life. i need to get that back. fear is the only thing that has kept me here. fear of what is out there. fear of what is not going to be there.
but, shit, there are oppertunities and adventures around every bend. and heaven knows my will is strong. i can go anywhere and do anything. there is no one to stop me, but me.
i am so unhappy here. i need to leave soon. september, i think.
wish me luck. i need a place to live and a job.... i'm thinking california. fresh start, here i come!