Wow! I have so much on my mind right now. Wish there was someone in my life that I could turn to. Someone who would not judge. Someone who would listen and offer sound advice. I keep screwing up, people. I have a kind and forgiving heart. Always have. This is my undoing. Right here and right now. I am torn. I keep thinking the joys in my life are real. As soon as my head is in the clouds and I am truely happy... my heart is ripped from my chest and stomped into a million tiny little pieces. The people I think know me the best, I realize they don't know me at all. I mean, they truely have no clue who I am. Put shit on me and hold all this shiton me. Past mistakes are just that. The past. I try to move forward, seek forgiveness for my wrong doings... but is it ever enough?
I used to have such dreams. I wanted to go so far. Now, I feel stuck. Sad and alone. I know a lot of people, but... we don't know each other, really. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot. I may do foolish things, but a fool, I am not. When the truth stares you in the face, you have to accept it. Perhaps the thins I long for are not for me. There are things in this life I require. Needs that have gone too long, unmet. I have not done enough wrong in this life to deserve the crap I have had dished out to me. Matter of fact, I should have a lot of good karma heading straight to me. Why, then, do I feel like I get the crap end of everything? Go ahead with your priorities. Put everyone ahead of me. Forget I, too, am human. I dream, hope, breathe and bleed too, damnit! Don't worry about my needs, but don't expect me to worry about yours.
I have done and done for over a decade. Given and given. Am I noticed, thanked, APPRECIATED, hugged, held or adored in any way, ever? Hell no. I am taken for grantid. All I do and say is... rather poointless. In the end, I'll have nothing. No husband, no children, no true friends. Sadness and sollitude... my only companions. While the one other person I love with all my heart, wastes all his time and all of our time on those people who are truely beneath both of us. I can't take the lies and deception in my life anymore. And if I am imagining them... I am sure there are past events that contributed to my imagination.
Problem is... I don't know what to do. I want to get married and have a baby or 2 or 3... but I just don't know anymore if he wants me...